Stuck - Clear

Recently the rain is more frequent than usual.
Being stuck in the rain.
Stuck in indoor because of the rain.
Feeling lazy because of the rain.
Feeling blue because of the rain.
Thinking a lot because of the rain.

Should I say...blame the rain?

Sometimes the rain slow down the time,
and it made me see things clearer,
realize something I've missed.

I've been surrounded with friends with different situations,
different stories and experiences that they are currently encountered.
The closer they are to me, the stronger their life affecting me.

I have friend who just broke up and hooked up.
I've my own experience on that.
Some might find it silly,
unfair and question regarding the new 'hook-up' relationship.
For me, is the individuals' choices.
As friend, I will be there for you if you need someone to share story with.

I also have friend is hurt by relationship for a long time,
and is still not healing yet.
Everyone knows both the guy and girl need time and space in order for them to heal,
but too bad...
the reality and fact force them to face each other everyday.
I've went through that, but I should say that I'm lucky enough that God gave me luck, courage and most important time and space to heal.

I have friend who is brave enough to find out the truth regarding the past relationship.
They started to chat after five years of silence.
They also started to find out what is the reason of their silence broke up five years ago.
For me, I still need more courage for me to face the unfinished business of the past.
Maybe...I don't have the courage to be the one to start the explore race of the past.

ahh...Initiative is the word.

I have friend who lost her own self and her self worth in the process of torturing from broke up.
She wasn't the girl I knew and first met in Uni anymore.
Friends who supporting her started to feel discourage as she is not healing but continue grieving about the lost in her relationship.
As a friend for her, sometimes I'm fed up of supporting her as when time goes by, she started to get used to the feeling of grieving and accepting people's pity n her.
How I wish I could confront her.
As someone who knows the knowledge of counseling, my confrontation might cause her to gave up her life.

I also have friend who are happily in love.
I'm happy for them.
But again, nothing is perfect.
Some might say bad things and commenting regarding the relationship.
Puppy love, love at first sight, both of them are so different regarding their age, interest, personality....and the list goes on.
For me, if you know my relationship with my dearie, then you know what's my stand in this issue.

Stuck - caused me to see clearer about my surrounding.
Stuck for a long time - caused me think too much of myself.
But...sometimes, I can't stop thinking, wandering and relating it to me.

I'm glad of one thing...
It's been a long time that my time ticks that slow...

me~Fishie

Critical period

When I foresee that there is a lot of things to do for this week on Sunday,
I prayed hard that me and my group members can go through this week,
as this Friday (which is today) is our last two assignment due dates.

We worked non-stop, faced obstacles, solved problems,
argued over some opinions...

dang~
I was diagnosed with food poisoning on Tuesday.
I'm unable to stay up to complete with them.
I was so frustrated of myself,
why I'm so weak,
I can't do anything at all...
not even to sleep and rest well.

I was having my mid term papers on Tuesday and Wednesday.
I manage to sit for Tuesday exam, then only fall sick.
but...Wednesday...
I think the paper on Wednesday won't be able to help me much in contributing marks for my final.

dang dang~
one of my group mates was sent to the hospital on Wednesday night.
She was found a bit not conscious and fainting at home.
It was because of exhaustion, she were given injections and intravenous drip,
and rest on the bed for a night.

The next day, which was yesterday...
My 5 people team...four of us were staying up until the next morning,
without sleep,
just to do our assignments.

To the one and only group mate who sleeps well and eat well.
We are enough of you.
Thanks for giving us the mess that you have did.
You will face your own consequences.

I'm praying for my stomach to get normal,
so that I can eat normal food.

me~Fishie

Tension and emo environment

Tension,
because of the stressful and hectic timetable.
Stressful,
because the due date is near.
Angry,
because things don't go our way.
Tired,
because we are lacking of time.
Emo,
because we are emotionally not stable.
Numb,
because we are going trough the up and down again and again.

Browsing through my friends' blog,
most of them posted emo posts.
Decribing how the stress affect their health, their relationships, their life.

aihz...

me~Fishie

15th January...

Happy Birthday to my buddy and housemate,
Mike Chin and Xin Xiang.

I'm currently having digestion problem.
Bluek.

It's even more sad when today is a day of celebration.
When people eat nice food, I ate bread.
Ish.
and I can't finish my porridge too...

I wanna eat proper food and meal now!!!

Aihz...

me~Fishie

Personal Thoughts

Since yesterday until today, most of the people I talked to

were talking about the life after marriage.
The sad thing is...most of the stories I heard is bad,
in fact...is all negative.

Imagine the messages they are trying to tell me are...
Men cannot be trusted.
Dating, courtship and marriage are the steps to hell.
Couples change after 20 years of marriage.
......

I had this conversation with my aunty during dinner.
Aunty: So, did your parents talk?
Me: Ya...they talked loudly.
Aunty: LOL...true, I miss the days when your dad is in Klang.
At least that time your mom only shout at your bro.

By looking at the men of my family...
My grandfather, uncles, (maybe a little bit) my dad,
they are all examples of the-effect-of-marriage.
It actually encourages my aunty not to get married,
and somehow affect me a little bit. (since I'm quite close to my aunty)

My grandpa is typical Asian man.
Men are always superior than women.
Woman is supposed to listen to the man,
follow them, and do whatever a woman should do in a family.
It sounds like a slave or a maid to me.
Looking at my grandma, she did a great job in bringing up the children in the family
(as a mother).
Unfortunately, the father of the family shaped the personalities of the children,
as in very tough personalities.

My uncles have the chance to further their studies to University level,
and do whatever they like.
But my mom and aunty weren't that lucky.
Maybe my mom is a little bit better since she is the eldest among her siblings.
Mom wanted to be a nurse, but grandpa doesn't approve.
So mom ended up studying accountancy and work after she graduated.
My aunty is the youngest in the family,
grandpa actually expect my aunty as a son when my grandma was pregnant.
Being the youngest girl in the family,
she have to help my grandma to do house chores.
She was scolded and slapped by my grandfather when she came home late from school,
because she was late to do the house chores.
She was waiting to be away from home,
so after she graduated from secondary, she works, earns and living alone.
Unbelievable huh?

For me, being the listener for my family members since I'm young untill now,
I have developed the skill of listening and also patience.
When someone is angry and frustrated, they need to voice it out other than acting it out.
If act it out, that will cause physical pain especially to the ones you love.

Listened too much cause headache too.
Sometimes, it changes your point of view on certain issues.
A good example, my view on marriage.

There are too many breakups, quarrels, divorce, disowning someone in the family,
affairs, backstabbing.....etc
that happened among the spouse, siblings and family members.

To sum up...
No one is perfect.

Listening to my parents quarrels, sometimes make me wonder...
don't they already knew the lesson?
Can you have a little bit more patience towards your spouse?

Then I remembered someone told me this.
When people said, be honest to your spouse, people end up having more quarrel than usual. This was because they have too many to complain about the other half.
When people said, be patient to your spouse, people end up repressing the uncomfortable feeling towards their spouse by saying that they are alright and okay...
Running away from the problem, hopping that your spouse will realize their wrong doing in future.
I believe that the second situation is even worse,
there is always a limit for patience.
Things get worse when it happened out of the limit.

There are too many thoughts in my mind,
and they all changing from time to time.

Being a listener,
I'm just like a sponge.
There is too much liquid inside of me.
Sometimes I need someone to squeeze me,
as in a hug for comfort.
A sun to get rid of the unwanted liquid.
Having another sponge or maybe a friend like Patrick to share.

This is not an emo post.
Is just...
some inspirations I got from the conversations with my family?
I know...there are a lot of inspirations....
haha...

me~Fishie